I haven’t been writing much lately. I could make excuses
about holidays and what not, but the truth is I just haven’t gotten around to
it. Now the year is ending, and I haven’t even begun to plan for Milwordy yet.
Plus I’m launching a book in February because I told myself I would and I can’t
back out of so solemn a promise. I mean, the thing is mostly written, but still.
I haven’t felt much like a writer lately, even as I’ve been
prepping to launch my writing career. That’s the funny thing about being a
writer. I only call myself a writer when I’m writing. It doesn’t matter if I
wrote something a couple weeks ago or have been working out plot points in my
head. It doesn’t matter that I have writing up for everyone to see. If I’m not
actively writing then I’m not a writer.
Of course, that definition is just silly. I don’t un-become
a pharmacy technician on the weekends because I’m not actively working. Then
again, that job pays me with this thing called ‘money’ while I put time into
writing on the vague hope that I might someday eventually be paid for it.
Maybe the problem is the simple insecurity of knowing I’ll
never know if I’m any good at this writing thing anyway. There isn’t a right or
wrong way to go about writing, and while that’s in many ways freeing, it’s also
a breeding ground for insecurity. Because I can’t compare what I’m doing to a
set of rules and call it right, there’s no way to dismiss the fear that I’m
doing something wrong.
I’m not sure what the solution to any of this is. If I had
an easy answer, I wouldn’t be struggling with it. Do I simply accept that I
will always feel like a little bit of a fraud? That sounds depressing. Do I sit
under a waterfall until I discover the Zen secret to being satisfied with
myself as I am? Except I’m not entirely sure I should do that, because I want
to keep striving to get better. The last thing I want is to decide my writing
is ‘good enough’ and stagnate in contentment. Maybe what I need is some sort of
in-between point of contentment and striving, but I’ve never been any good at
that whole balance and moderation thing.
Maybe I’ll just shrug it off and eat a sandwich.
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